blog #1 "cont"

So...this lady moved in with a three old girl. I instantly feel in love with my soon to be little sister.
She couldn't speak a word out of her Korean language. Mom had passed on April 4, and dad remarried on July 15 of the same year. I hadn't realized it yet, but this was the start of years of anxiety, panic attacks and stress related illnesses...
Although it seemed interesting at the time to have a foreign step mother, the weirdness in my home was just beginning. I remember her (the step mom) chasing my oldest sister with a butchers' knife. Sister had run out the back door, jumped the back fence and never came home. She moved in with a friend. Then what really seemed odd to me was almost every time my oldest brother walked through the kitchen when the step mom was chopping something on the cutting board, there was always a comment made about how she could "choppy choppy his pecker." I truly believe she had a crush on my brother.
She had beat little sis (her daughter) with a plastic little shovel on the head because she didn't listen. For crying out loud, the child is three. There go a few stitches in her poor little head.

I don't know if abuse is a power thing with her or what. But we all got it. I know my dad felt stuck between a rock and a hard place, but shouldn't the children come first? I have a hard time with that one to this day.
She had beaten me with bamboo sticks across my legs, arms and chest. She beat my chest so badly, that my breast tissue was damaged to a point that I had no boobies til years later when I got pregnant and the hormones kicked in. I was nineteen then.

My baby brother was born about a year later. Again I fell in love. When that child was brought home, (I was 13 then) I knew a mother is what I wanted to be when I grew up. Between my little step sister and my new half brother, these are the only two things I thanked her for.

My freshman year in high school, Our family packed up and left California and headed to Missouri. This where my dad grew up, and I could finally meet the grandparents I only knew as a voice over the phone. Instantly I knew I belonged. My grandma and grandpa showed the love of grandparents that I longed to have. I was introduced to cousins that I instantly bonded with. And Aunts and an Uncle I loved from the start. I was so thrilled to have all these people in my life. The house we moved into was a nice house in the tiny town of New Hampton. Dinky as it was, I loved it. I loved the fact that I could walk to my grandparents house anytime I wanted. And knew I was always welcome. I loved feeding the hogs with grandpa, picking berries with grandma and eating her cooking. Grandma's always have good food.

One day in the winter, my middle brother had done something (minor I'm sure) to upset the step mom. So, without a coat in the middle of winter while lit was snowing, she locked him out of the house for punishment. He went to the grandparents. Dad got home from work and wasn't really happy with her. Another time, the baby brother was about 3 and he had noticed that the wind had blown a box of matches off dads' dresser and he started to pick them up. (he want not playing with them, i know, i was there) so she decided to lock him in her room and burn his fingers. I ran and got my middle brother and together we knocked her door down. He sat on her, while I grabbed the baby brother and locked us both in my bedroom until dad got home. EVIL is what I decided she is. I was on guard 24/7 for my sister and brothers.
I was not gonna let her hurt them anymore. I was willing to take sting of sword for my siblings.
This was the time of my life where I started talking to GOD. I not only prayed, I talked to him to release the confusion and pain I was feeling. Why talk my mom and spring all horror on us?
I didn't blame him, I just wanted answers. I was so confused.